8 Ways You Are Demotivating Your Teen without Realizing:

Do you know how your words and actions could be demotivating your teens?

I see it all the time when I coach unmotivated teens. Their parents desperately want to help their teens, but their teens end up becoming more unmotivated. Today, I’ll walk you through the eight ways many parents demotivate their teens without even realizing it.

Teen Demotivate #1:

Let’s start with teen demotivating number one, using too many rewards and punishments. Do you reward your teens with more screen time or money or anything else they like? Or maybe you remove certain privileges when your teens fall short of a goal?

This strategy may work at first, but in the long run, it’s a trap. The $10 you gave your teen last month for getting an A on the history test suddenly isn’t enough this month to keep him motivated. Or if you rewarded your teen’s good behavior last week by buying her a new phone, she may realize that she doesn’t really want anything else badly.

So now you can’t even find a suitable reward to motivate her.  Punishments work similarly. The more you use punishments, the more negative emotional associations

your teens will have with a task they’re supposed to do. Rewards and punishments can destroy your teens’ motivation for things they could enjoy doing.

Research conducted by Maria Wong and Margareta Thomson shows that giving students rewards hurts intrinsic motivation. In the long term, it also hurts academic achievement. So as much as you can, avoid using rewards and punishments with your teens.

Teen Demotivate #2:

Let’s move on to teen demotivate number two, focusing too much on academics.

Many of the teens I work with tell me that their parents think grades are what matters most. Grades do indeed affect your teens’ prospects, but when you focus too much on grades, your teens can feel devalued because it seems as if you’re not concerned about the other aspects of their lives.

Over time, their motivation will decrease and their love of learning will slowly disappear.

So be sure to express an interest in your teens’ hobbies, games, social life, et cetera, and recognize the importance of downtime for your teens so they can relax and reflect.

Teen Demotivate #3:

Teen demotivate number three, micromanaging your teens. Do you often remind your teens about upcoming tests or do you frequently check that they’ve completed their homework? Nobody likes to be micromanaged, not employees and not teens. If you micromanage your teens, they’ll become annoyed and resentful.

They’ll also start to feel as if they don’t need to take full responsibility for their lives. Why, because it seems like you’re always there to give them reminders about deadlines or other things that are important. So I encourage you to empower your teens to gradually take ownership of everything that goes on in their lives.

After all, the approach that works with teens is when you do more coaching and less controlling. Let your teens know that you’re there for them if they need support, but make it clear that you’ll be handing over the reins to them step by step. and remember that letting your teens experience the natural consequences of their choices helps them to mature into independent, well-adjusted adults.

Teen Demotivate #4:

Teens demotivate number four, failing to create a family culture of learning. Do you model a love of learning for your teens? When was the last time you took a class?

Tried playing a new musical instrument or attended a workshop?

I’m sure you’re busy, and it probably feels like you don’t have time to do these types of things. I’m a parent too, so I can relate. But it’s no secret that our children are influenced by what we do more than by what we say. If you want your teens to be lifelong learners,

They need to see the value of education beyond grades and diplomas.

That’s why the family culture you create has a huge impact on your teens’ mindset.

They’re much more likely to be motivated to learn when they see how much you enjoy Acquiring new skills and knowledge.

Teen Demotivate #5:

Now, let’s talk about teen demotivate number five, setting rules without discussing them with your teens. Rules and limits are necessary for teens, but it’s important to discuss those rules with your teens beforehand as far as possible.

How should you do this? Calmly talk about your concerns, stay open-minded, And listen to your teens’ proposed solutions. They might just come up with some excellent ideas. In most situations, I encourage you not to simply lay down the law Because teens are far more likely to follow the rules When they feel heard and respected.

Teen Demotivate #6:

Teens demotivate number six, emphasizing achievement over contribution. Dr. Andrew Fuligni’s research describes how important it is for teenagers to have opportunities to contribute to their families, peers, schools, and communities.

The research shows that doing things to benefit others leads to improved moods, lower stress levels, better overall health, and deeper social connections. If you find yourself talking more about grades and achievement than about contribution, this may be causing your teens to become less motivated.

Why, because teens want to feel as if their lives are useful to others. They don’t want to feel as if their lives are mainly focused on achievement and grades, which are things that have no immediate impact on anyone other than themselves.

So encourage your teens to think about their academic pursuits as a process of acquiring skills and knowledge so that they’ll be better equipped to contribute. and if you also find ways to contribute to the community together as a family, that’s even better.

Teen Demotivate #7:

Teens demotivate number seven, failing to acknowledge your teens’ progress.

Your teens may not show it, but they care about what you think of them. I’ve worked with rebellious and wayward teens who had dropped out of school and who had gotten in trouble with the police.

It seemed as if they couldn’t care less about what their parents thought of them,

But this simply wasn’t true. They just felt that their parents were always on their case

So there was no point in trying to do the right thing anymore because it was never enough for their parents.

So no matter what your teens’ attitude toward you is like, remember that they do care about what you think. Every time you acknowledge your teens’ efforts and progress, They get a boost of motivation. When you see them feeding the dog or setting the table for dinner, tell them you appreciate it. And when they try to do better in school, acknowledge even the little progress they’re making. Always focus on progress, not perfection.

Teen Demotivate #8:

Teens demotivate number eight, trying to fix your teens’ behavior without getting to the root of the issue. Many of the teens I work with tell me that they feel discouraged, overwhelmed, and sometimes even worthless, but all their parents see is that they’re not working hard enough.

As a parent of three children myself, I know how tempting it can be to focus on your children’s bad habits and behavior without digging deeper to find out what’s going on.

But when teens don’t feel right, they can’t act right.

So take the time to listen to your teens, keep the lines of communication open , and refrain from lecturing and nagging them frequently about their poor behavior.

I’ve spent many thousands of hours coaching teenagers one-on-one, and I’ve never heard a teenager tell me that his or her parents’ lectures were effective.

So remind yourself to always do more listening and less lecturing because teens don’t change when they understand why they should change, they change when they feel understood. Now you know the eight ways you might be demotivating your teens without even realizing it.